I came out to my dad the fall of my senior year in high school. I was living with him at the time and we had one laptop to share in the whole family. My stepmother stumbled across the sites i was browsing and she told my dad. He took me for a walk and asked me if i was gay. I panicked, and looking back, we both had some internalized homophobia we were dealing with. The next day i went home to my mom’s house and i told her, because i figured it wasn’t fair to keep her in the dark. She was thrilled when i told her. My dad was in shock and my mom was thrilled.

William Way Center

“The William Way Community Center seeks to encourage, support, and advocate for the well-being and acceptance of sexual and gender minorities through service, recreational, educational, and cultural programming.”

waygay.org

1315 Spruce St.
Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 732-2220

Colours

“The COLOURS Organization, Inc. was established in 1991 to respond to the lack of positive and progressive educational advocacy and support mechanisms for LGBT people of color in the Greater Philadelphia area. COLOURS seeks to accomplish this through a variety of activities aimed at attacking the underpinnings of disempowerment and despair in our community, activities which improve information sharing, enhance self-esteem, and support and develop the talent, beauty, strength and courage of LGBT people of color.”

coloursorganization.org

112 N. Broad St. 11th Floor • Philadelphia, PA 19102 O: (215) 496-0330

The Attic Youth Center

“The Attic creates opportunities for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning (LGBTQ) youth to develop into healthy, independent, civic-minded adults within a safe and supportive community, and promotes the acceptance of LGBTQ youth in society. The Attic is proud to be Philadelphia ’s only independent LGBTQ youth center.”

atticyouthcenter.org

255 South 16^th Street, Philadelphia, PA 19102 or call (215) 545-4331

When I had decided to come out to my Dad and Stepmom I ended up pacing around the foyer for at least a half hour, practicing my speech and reactions to the possible ensuing scenarios. When I finally was able to keep it together enough to descend the basement stairs to my Dad’s office, I entered as if nothing was up, playing with the dog while partaking in small talk. Then, when it looked as if my Stepmom was about to leave my Dad to work, I knew I had to speak up fast. I told them that I had something I needed to tell them. My face, I’m sure was colored white with dread, my palms stereotypically sweaty with anxiety. I had never heard either one of them say anything negative about gays or lesbians, but I hadn’t heard them talk about them at all except the neighbors who they were somewhat friends with across the street. I finally was able, with my eyes glued to the floor, to tell that I had been thinking and noticing for a while that I liked girls more and more. I had purposefully avoided the buzzwords “gay” or “lesbian” that I’m so comfortable with using to describe myself now. I guess I was also partially still unsure of my sexuality and was also worried about prematurely having the “I’m gay” talk and ending up dating guys. However, two and a half years of attraction to females made me certain that I was at least bi and I felt that this wasn’t something I wanted to hide from my parents.
I stopped there. I couldn’t say any more. I was just waiting for something. Anything. My Stepmom startled me – she laughed! She said, not making light of the conversation but not knowing how else to react: “That was what you were worried about telling us?! I thought it was going to be something bad.” My Dad just gave me a big hug and my Stepmom went on to say she was worried about my general well-being when I had sat them down so formally. She joked that no offense, but being gay in 2007 isn’t such a radical thing any more. By this time I must mention that the release of tension was so overwhelming I was absolutely bawling. I guess it was tears of joy that my family was so supportive.

When I was 16, the summer before my 11th grade year of high school I had finally realized I didn’t want to date boys at ALL and that I was attracted only to women. I knew I wanted to come out to my mom first before anyone else, but didn’t know how… Well, my mom and I were driving around Bryn Mawr, PA; I had just taken a tour of the all women’s college called Bryn Mawr College and she was asking me what I thought about the school. At one point she asked me, “So, how will you meet a boyfriend or a husband if you go to an all women’s college?” I was prepared to defend myself: “There are other co-ed schools around the area–” she cut me off, “Or do your preferences lie elsewhere?”

So I told her I was only attracted to girls (I still couldn’t say the word ‘lesbian’ at that point). We talked and cried and hugged and went and got pizza. She apparently had a feeling I was going to end up being gay since I was in 2nd grade! She took it very well. Luckily my mom has a lot of gay friends and was a strong supporter of the women’s rights movement in the 60′s and 70′s, so she was very welcoming of my sexual identity as a lesbian. I knew she’d be okay with it, but it’s always hard to talk about sexuality to a parent for the first time.

This is what a learned in a conversation with my friend about her experience:

She told me that she was scared to tell her dad, but also sick of sneaking girls in and out of her bedroom. She planned a time and day to tell him and stuck to her plan. She sat down with him and, couldn’t say the words gay or lesbian, but, told him that she had a girlfriend. He cried. She told him that he couldn’t cry because then she would cry. She asked him if he would ever come to her wedding. He said he couldn’t. She left.

“My mother and father are WASP’s.  In our culture it is not acceptable to be gay.  It did not make it any better that my parents exploited homosexuals as often as possible either.  My father would say things like, “You know what’s so sad about WWII…..no it’s not that the jews died……it that it is homosexuals who should have taken their place.”  My mother was the same, she’d say things like, “We’re all God’s children……except the gays.”  then her and my father would laugh and continue on with their lives as if nothing ever happened.

Needless to say, coming out in this environment was overwhelming.  I was ashamed of myself, and for this reason I became obsessed with acting like a straight man.  I forced myself to watch sports, listen to rock and roll, and date women; all things I despised.

One day I was talking to one my friends who I trusted.  I told her about my “predicament”.  She told me that no matter what my parents would love me.  It didn’t make a difference if I was gay, a murderer, or normal they would still love me anyway and that I should tell them about my homosexuality.

Wrong.  My parents kicked me on the streets.  My other family members didn’t want anything to do with a homosexual either.  After a year of sleeping in my car and showering at the local gym I saved enough for a down payment on a studio apartment.  I still don’t talk to my parents or family to this day.  They are convinced that my “sickness” can be flushed out of my body, but that’s not how it works.  Coming out was the worst experience of my life, but I’d rather stand strong than live in a lie.”

Another one:

“I called my best friend, he lives in Iowa. And I decided I just needed to tell him since I’ve known this kid since we were like 8. He’s practically my brother and I really just wanted someone that close to me to be a part of my life.

On top of that I knew he would be supportive since his older brother is gay, and a bit of a hunk to boot. So I called him and said ” hey um, screw it I’m just going to say it, I’m gay.” his response was classic: “dude, I know.” He and his girlfriend, whom I met twice, and we barely interacted, both mentioned that they thought I was gay. The last time I saw either of them was six months prior to the call, way before I was willing to start coming out to my friends. It was reassuring because he was a supportive friend, but at the same time I felt like I must me incredibly obvious since I feel I’ve only gotten more out there since then. We’ll see when I talk to my parents over the winter break.”

Here are some coming out tips I got from elight.org.

1. Never come out in an argument or to hurt someone

2. Never come out in a moving vehicle.

3. A person is more intelligent than a group of people, come out to people one at a time and somewhere private.

4. People who are ignorant may say things initially that they don’t realize are painful to hear. Remember that they are simply unaware and in a state of surprise.

5. They may already know.

6. Coming out in drag is a bit much (unless you really have the right shoes…)

7. People have to deal with 1) the issue of homo/bi/trans stuff and 2) you as a person 3) the combination of the two since you probably don’t fit the stereotype they have about gay peeps.

8. Be sober

9. Don’t have your lover with you. This is not “Let’s Make a Deal” more surprises are not good.

10. Be ready for them to need time and space to think about things before any discussion takes place.

11. Be ready for them to drill you with questions that may or may not offend you (see #4)

12. Sometimes it’s easier to read about an issue than to admit you are uneducated. Have a book, pamphlet, phone number, or other resource that can be called when you aren’t around.

13. It is your life to live, you only have one, and the bottom line is that you are going to continue living as a gay person no matter what their reaction is.

14. It may not be a bad idea to have smelling salts handy.

15. There are people who will never be supportive no matter what is said.

16. If your audience had that deer in the headlights look, don’t make any quick moves.

17. Breathe. (seriously)

18. No two coming out experiences are ever the same.

19. Don’t plan on doing anything else for the rest of the day/night.

20. People will need a lot of time, for the most part, to really think about things.

21. Always have an escape plan. You may not need it, but if you do, you won’t be surprised. Have a place to crash for the night, and money you can get to in case a worse case scenario does occur.

22. Have resources for you to call, you need support, too!

23. Just because you come out to someone once, doesn’t mean you won’t have to do it again, and again, and again…

I think 23 is really interesting because it’s so true. People do come out to their parents and friends often in a dramatic, planned moment, but coming out is a process that never ends. As long as being straight is the default, coming out will be necessary throughout life. At every new job, every new doctor, every new friendship, a queer person has to decide whether or not, and eventually how, to come out.

Here are some images that come up under the search “straight man”:

This is obviously Daniel Craig, who plays James Bond, a very manly character.

This model is muscular, and in the action of getting dressed or undressed.

And here is another muscular man, this time surrounded by women, two of whom are eating cotton candy from his underwear.

And here are some under the search “gay man”:

This is another sexualized image of men, but instead of women as the object of desire, there are two men.

This image hearkens back to the idea that men are overtly sexual and gay men have sex anonymously.

And here’s another model, but this time he’s in a more passive position. If people saw this picture without any context would they think he was gay or straight?

Here are some images from the search “gay woman”:

This image definitely demonstrates that women can use “masculine” clothing to appear gay, and that, whether this person is gay or not, her attire lends to her label of “gay woman”.

I think this person might be a celebrity, but I don’t know for sure. Maybe an american idol person? Regardless, she was one of the few women of color that came up in any of my searches, which matches the under representation of people of color in general, but also specifically in queer contexts.

And of course here are Ellen and Portia, the quintessential lesbian couple of today. No queer Google search would be complete without them.

The next group of photos really expresses the idea of physical appearance facilitating labeling. Here’s what I found under the search “straight woman”:

This picture clearly demonstrates the physical characteristics thought to mean “straight woman”. She has long blonde hair, is wearing very little, and is in a sexy pose. All evidence points to straight.

Here’s another celebrity, Heidi Montag, showing just how straight she is by posing in Maxim. Here there is no debating that she is posing for the heterosexual male gaze.

Finally, this advertisement tells us that “to excite is to exist” so it’s a good thing this woman is exciting these men or she might disappear into thin air.

So, what I think these pictures demonstrate is that no one would assume that a woman who dresses and looks like Ellen would be straight because she’s not dressing and styling herself within the confines of how a straight woman is supposed to look. Portia, on the other hand, looks like a straight woman because she fits into the requirements of a beautiful woman within the heterosexual male gaze. Portia even commented on this herself on The View recently…

http://theview.abc.go.com/video/portia-de-rossi

She talks about how people didn’t believe that she was gay for a long time, and Joy Behar mentions how men might believe that they could change her.

So, as much as these social norms are restricting, they can also be liberating if people work within them to give cues about themselves. If a straight woman has short hair, people might think that she’s gay, but if a gay woman has short hair, that can be a useful cue to give people if she wants them to know she’s gay.Recently someone lovingly asked me, “So you’re a full dyke now?” in regards to my short haircut, which I think is another good example.

Finally, I’ll wrap up this post with two last images.

I googled the word queer and got this:

The cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. All well-groomed, supposedly well-dressed, clean, queer.

Here’s what came up for “manly”:

Yes that’s a giant snow penis. So, it’s manly to have a big penis, but just in case you thought that penis might be gay, here’s a bikini-clad girl licking it.

My name is Arielle, and with this blog I’d like to look at the process of “coming out” as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender to family or friends. I want to learn more about what people fear in coming out and how people react. I’m a student in Women’s Studies and LGBT Studies so my classes have  given some attention to this process, but I want to delve deeper in how this life-changing moment really affects members of the LGBT community and their families and friends. To do this I’m going to use online and academic resources, but also stories of my friends’ experiences that they’ve given me permission to post.

Through my studies and experience I’ve learned that there are a few ways people can come out. In our society people are assumed to be straight, because the majority of people are. No one ever has to come out as straight because that is considered the “norm”. So even without realizing it, most people assume that others are straight, unless there are visual symbols that people associate with homosexuality or deviation from gender norms. These symbols can be anything from “effeminate” gestures, short hair, certain clothing, posture, etc. People who deviate from the norms of their assumed gender are often assumed to be queer even if they’re not. What’s important to realize, is that a person’s sexuality can not be determined by physical characteristics, but because people are so reliant on physical cues to label others, queer people can use their physical appearance as a means of coming out in the public arena.

Another means of coming out is directly addressing the people to whom you want to come out. This is usually how people come out to their family or friends, but often members of the audience will have already picked up on behaviors or physical cues that have led them to suspect the subject is queer. This experience varies significantly for everyone, but in this blog I hope to look at a few individual experiences.

While there are certainly more ways people come out both in private and public spheres, my next post will focus more on how appearance facilitates gender and sexuality identification.